The following is a post I wrote on my Facebook page during my recent 9 day hospital stay with our foster baby, Munchkin.
A real mom cares to her core. She is so connected with her child, his pain becomes her own. A look of love restores her and all those sleepless nights evaporate and move like a long lost fog. She dries eyes, cleans puke, and kisses boo-boos. Sickness and pain are part of the parent package and she endures without a second thought because this is not a sacrifice…it’s a real mom.
Dear nurse,
It’s ok to address me as “Foster mom” but don’t ever again say I’m not the “real mom.”
I was a bit grumpy ticked off by this encounter and after time has gone by, my adrenaline still kicks in when I think of that nurse differentiating between me and birthmom using only one word to describe us differently…”real.”
With time shedding light and offering perspective, I feel it’s a good idea to remind myself (and you) that this was a botched opportunity to educate. I had a chance to gently correct that nurse and instead I sat silent, mouth agape, and let my anger build quietly waiting for a chance to formulate my well-written snarky response and post it on a public forum ensuring a strong response from an audience that knows and loves me and my cause. Good heavens.
So, to correct my error and pay penance for my wrongs, I am going to offer the following.
A list of DO’s for all of my Non-Foster Peeps
(please share and spread the education):
- DO ask questions. If it’s too much, we’ll tell you. So don’t be scared to ask…we WANT to talk about our lives as much as we can.
- DO offer support using specific ideas. We are overwhelmed and sometimes unable to see our needs clearly. At times, we don’t even know what help to ask for. If you think it’s a good idea, offer it to us or better yet, just bring it over…we need to see your beautiful face, too.
- DO help us research. These children come with specific health needs, emotional hurts, and big changes for our house. If you forward me a link for an article on attachment or a parenting tip sheet, I’ll know you were listening when I vented on you about last night’s meltdown AND I’ll know I’m doing a great job because you’ll be there to tell me so.
- DO keep your plans with me and keep making plans. Sometimes a play date or a girls night out is all I need to keep my sanity.
- DO continue to be awesome. I have the most awesome support system! I don’t know how anyone parents without friends and family like mine.
And to that nurse I say,
I’m sorry. I know you didn’t mean anything hurtful by saying what you did. I remember that you were very supportive throughout our hospital stay. I promise to continue to educate others in a way that FOSTERS understanding and support instead of fear (of saying the wrong thing) and anger.
MY PSA: Please don’t use the term “real” when describing a parent/sibling/family member. The truth is, we are all “real” and my sweet Munchkin has 2 very real moms. If you want to distinguish between me and the mom who gave birth to him, please use words like, ‘birthmom’ ‘bellymom’ ‘biomom’ or ‘fostermom’ ‘daily mom’…
My sweet Munchkin and all those that love him and call him our own…we all count.
#countmykids
~Kristina
Count + My + Kids 