#theAword

When pregnancy and birth situations are not ideal, two “A” words are thrown around.  Many of my friends and family are involved in the passionate debate and they have no problem proclaiming which side of the political/religious fence they reside on.  But I’m not here to fight with words or fists.  I’m here to say that these “A” words rock my world and I need to share my experience.

When it comes to a less-than-ideal-pregnancy, the child that may or may not be born, the mother who may or may not accept that title, and any future for these people and those around them are now part of a situation that is not easy.  It’s never black and white, right or wrong, and it certainly is not simple.

If you know me, you know how important it is that I say that.

I struggle with infertility in the form of late pregnancy losses (12 weeks – 23 weeks, 3 times).  I gave birth to a healthy, living child.  I gave birth to a blue-faced, 4# preemie that survived and thrived.  I gave birth to a 23 week stillborn boy who I never held (my choice).  I gave birth to a girl, via surgery, that was also gone before birth and had no body to bury.  I also had a miscarriage at home and that pregnancy was assumed to be another 2nd trimester loss (but we will never know for sure as hCG levels change so quickly after loss.)

I tell you this not to gain sympathy, but for you to have a frame of reference for your ‘crazy friend with all the kids.’ (It’s ok, I love that title!)
I tell you this for you to accept that this crazy friend was (and still is) a mom with a broken heart.  I am a mom with empty arms, crying and aching to cradle her babies without any explanation, reason, or hope for her situation to improve.  Yet, this broken mom who craved only for a houseful of children, is begging you to accept that each pregnancy, birth, and motherhood is not the same.  It’s never easy and it’s never clear.  We may never understand someone else’s situation…and that’s ok.  We were not meant to walk in their shoes…but we can practice empathy and embrace compassion for their unique experience.

It’s not my place to judge.  I don’t get paid enough to do that.  And neither do you (unless you are a judge, and in that case, why haven’t you taken me out for coffee lately?)  It is not our place to say to another, “you should do as I do…even though you may have no capacity, reference, ability, or support to do as I do.”

It IS my place to love.  It’s simple:  it is OUR place to love.  

I accept my responsibility to love by example.  I agree to accept any child who is entrusted to me, for any amount of time that I am blessed to have them.  I will continue to support those working to make our world a better place for ALL of “my” children.  I accept the title “mom” from all children who wish to call me that…and what an honor that any child bestows that title upon me!  I also vow to take a birthmother’s decision seriously and treat it with the reverence and respect she deserves.

I, Kristina Wilmoth, fully my own person in belief, conviction, and experience, believe it IS my place to wish that all birthmothers, who feel they cannot parent, will indeed, choose the “A” word that allows another human (possibly a fellow ‘crazy mom’) to parent their miracle baby.  I will pray.  I will hope.  And I will be disappointed.  For this ideal situation will not always be the end result.  Many times, there is no ‘Happily Ever After.’

But someday, maybe someday soon, I, Kristina Wilmoth AKA ‘ Your Crazy Friend’, will be able to announce that Once upon a time…a pregnancy happened in a less-than-ideal-situation and because of that complicated and emotionally volatile situation, the “A” word is now part of my family and we wouldn’t have it any other way.  It rocks my world.

#theAword
Kristina